Building Relationships with Your Stepchildren
Building Relationships with Your Stepchildren
Whetheryou are just beginning a blended family, or have been in one forawhile, you know that there are many difficult adjustments that bothparents and children must go through. Oftentimes stepparents have ahard time understanding their stepchildren and how to reach out tothem. The may become frustrated when their expectations of a lovingfamily aren't met. In the book, You're a Stepparent... Now What?,author Joseph Cerquone gives practical pointers for stepparents onattempting to build a positive relationship with their stepchildren.
Watch Out for Unrealistic Expectations. Manystepparents feel the pressure to make their new family into a perfectone. However, with the stresses of the previous marriages, finances,custody battles and the adjustments to a new living situation, realityoften presents a different scenario. Take small steps in building arelationship with your stepchildren. Focus on building a respect fromthem before you expect them to have a loving relationship with you.
Encourage Openness. Onething a stepparent can do is to let the members of the family know thatthey can express their emotions and discuss their fears andinsecurities. But Cerquone warns not to expect the children to confidein you early on. They will most likely only confide in their parent atfirst.
Be Supportive.Recognize the importance of your stepchildren's relationship with the"other" parent. Do not seek to replace them, but rather focus oncreating a new relationship with your stepchildren. And be sure to beyourself.
Be Sure to Partner with Your Spouse. Youand your spouse will need to be in constant, open communication aboutthe family. Be mutually supportive of each other and make jointdecisions regarding the family. Make sure the children know you areunited in your decisions.
Let the Parent Discipline. Cerquoneencourages that especially in the early days of the new family, theparent to do the disciplining, not the stepparent. He says that,"Before you can be an active disciplinarian, you have to earn somethingmore than your stepchildren's perfunctory respect. Until they know youand trust you better, you can't expect them to listen to you simplybecause you are now the new dad or mom in the house." That doesn't meanyou will never be the disciplinarian, but Cerquone warns to start theprocess slowly. In the beginning, a stepparent should be activelyinvolved in the rule-making, but not in the disciplining when the rulesare broken. And be sure to present the house rules as a joint decision,so that the stepparent is not seen as the villain.
Don't Turn Your Stepchildren into Scapegoats.Cerquone warns that while stepchildren (particularly those in thepre-teen and teen years) can be frustrating, be sure not to blame themfor all the problems in your family or relationship with your spouse.Ask yourself if their attitudes and actions are the true problem, or ifyou more frustrated with something else -- finances, your own feelingsof being an outsider, or the way your spouse is ineffectivelydisciplining the children?
Maintain a Sense of Humor. Particularlyif you have teens in the house, it will be crucial to maintain apositive attitude. Cerquone says, "A sense of humor will... refresh youas a stepparent... Humor will help you treat teen behavior as somethingother than the end of the world." Save your energy for important thingsby not taking the little things too seriously. Try to have fun withyour stepchildren. Cerquone suggests: "Think about occasionally makingyour points with your stepkids in light ways, for example. Write yourconcerns in a funny card or an amusing note. Or forget about making anypoints and just take your stepchildren out for some fun. See a comedyat the movies or spend the day at an amusement park..."
Be Persistent. Theprocess of becoming "family like" will not happen overnight. In fact,therapist Patricia Papernow cautions that it may take several years.But keep working at it, because the benefits of your relationships withyour stepchildren will be worth it.
This article is based on the book, You're a Stepparent... Now What? A Guide to Parenting in Families With Nonbiological Children, by Joseph Cerquone. To order this book from Amazon.com, click here.
E-Mail
RSS
