How to Say You’re Sorry to Your Child in 4 Steps
Imagine the scene. Something goes wrong in your household, and you are convinced that one of your children is guilty. Being a concerned and caring parent, you want to give them the opportunity to "come clean." Author and founder of the National Center for Fathering, Ken Canfield offers the following recollection of such a time at his house.
"Joel, tell me the truth."
It was a hot summer day, and good ol' Dad was called in to resolve another family dispute. My son looked at me indignantly.
"Joel, are you telling the truth?"
"Yes, Dad. Honest."
I knew that if I studied his face long enough, he'd give himself away. But that day, he was rock solid. So...I made the call. "No, you're not, Joel. I don't believe you."
As I doled out the appropriate punishment, Joel showed no sign of remorse. Minutes later, I found out through one of the other kids that Joel had been telling the truth. I had judged him and punished him unfairly. I was wrong…
Uh-oh. Now what do you do? Yes, we are parents, but we are still human and that means we make mistakes. What sets us apart is the way we choose to respond. The wise parent is able to admit that they were wrong. They are able to use these instances as a moment to teach an invaluable life lesson and to develop an even closer and more sincere bond with their child. They need to say they are sorry, and mean it. Here are four ways to offer your child a sincere apology.
1. Make an unconditional apology
An unconditional apology focuses on our responsibility in the matter not our child's. It should sound something like this, "I was wrong for what I did and I am so sorry." Period. We don't make excuses or point the finger at our child. A conditional apology sounds like this, "I am sorry, but if you wouldn't have made me…" That is NOT an unconditional apology.
2. Humbly ask for the gift of forgiveness
Again, since forgiveness is not a given, we must ask for it. After our apology we need to sincerely ask our child to forgive us.
3. Follow up with action
This is what makes apologizing and asking for forgiveness effective. Our actions and attitudes need to speak as loudly as our words. If we keep making the same mistake over and over again, our apologies will start to ring hollow.
4. Give your child time
Even if our child does accept our apology and grant forgiveness, we can't expect things to be better right away. She might get over the small things quickly (especially if she's a young child), but for bigger things (and older children), it can take time for our child to warm up to us again. Be patient. Time will show that you are changing, and are sincere about not hurting your child again.
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