When Your Kids Leave Home
Everything and everybody changes -- including your relationship with your children. Once your kids begin transitioning into adulthood, your relationship with them must evolve as well. While it may seem comfortable to continue treating your young adults as teenagers, you must learn how to relate to them in new ways as they reach adulthood.
In their book, Parenting Your Adult Child, Drs. Ross Campbell and Gary Chapman provide the following guidelines in building quality relationships with your adult children. And while you can't force a quality relationship, you can create a positive environment in which it can grow.
Realize Your Part
Many times parents become frustrated when their sweet, compliant child begins exerting independence and willfulness during adolescence. And by the time the teenager reaches young adulthood, the parents feel powerless in the relationship.
If you find yourself saying statements such as, "If only my daughter would stop hanging around the wrong people, she'd be easier to get along with," or "If only my son would return my calls more often," then remind yourself that you have far more power in your relationship than you give yourself credit for.
Drs. Campbell and Chapman encourage, "As parents, we must take responsibility for our own power of influence and stop blaming our children for [our] bad relationship. We are older and more mature. Our children are on the front end of life, still trying to learn. We can go a long way in creating a good climate in which that learning can take place."
So the next time your college student comes home for a visit wearing another piercing, focus on telling him you're happy he's home, and not criticizing his style. You may not understand of some of your young adult's choices in style or music or friends, but don't let your relationship become contingent on him to "grow out of this phase." Work on building a positive climate for a relationship now -- regardless of your child's choices or mistakes.
Grow in Confidence
Sometimes confidence in parenting seems like an unreachable goal. But the closer you come to complete confidence, the more your children will benefit from it. Drs. Campbell and Chapman explain, "Confident parents do all in their power to help their children mature. They place genuine importance on their children's feelings and thoughts, and let them know that those opinions and feelings are deeply important."
Confident parents want to understand their kids, and are willing to expand their parenting skills to match their evolving relationship. Are you a confident parent? Are you willing to guide your young adults to maturity in the ways that are most meaningful to them? Or are you fearful of losing their love once they leave home, and are struggling to let go?
While giving independence to your adult children may seem like you're losing your place in their lives, confident parenting will actually lead to a more fulfilling relationship. You may even find yourself enjoying the friendship aspects of your developing relationships.
Show Your Love
In Dr. Chapman's Five Love Languages series, he explains that every person is unique in how they express love and desire to be shown love. Showing your children love doesn't stop when they leave the house. Continue to make sure your children know they are loved unconditionally. If you haven't learned their love languages yet, invest the time in understanding them.
If your young adult seeks love through "words of affirmation," he will thrive on words of appreciation and thanks, genuine compliments, and saying you are proud of him. If your young adult feels love through "gifts," be sure to send plenty of care packages. If your child responds best to "acts of service," offer to dog-sit when he is on a business trip, or offer to bring over some homemade soup when he is sick. Young adults who seek "quality time" will want focused attention and special outings together during their visits home. And if your child's love language is "physical touch," be sure to give him plenty of hugs and pats on the back when you see him.
Concluding Thoughts
If you're still not sure you're up to "confident parenting" with your adult child, take heart in these encouraging words from the authors: "Some of us have forgotten how to be confident in a fallen world. Parenting has changed just as our world has changed. Our children have grown and we keep having to learn the next lessons. By this time, we are well aware of the mistakes we have made and that we are far from perfect parents. And yet, we can go on to greater maturity and be ready to make the necessary changes for the future. And we can help our children move to maturity as well."
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Copyright by Family First 2007. All rights reserved.
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