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The Secret to Protecting Your Marriage From Infidelity

"Why are you asking for a divorce?" the judge inquired.

"Because all my husband wants is to make love," the woman said.

"Most women would be pleased!" said the judge. "They are!!" the woman fired back.

"That's why I want a divorce."

The real tragedy of infidelity is that many marriagesend in divorce. In the blink of an eye, the trust and security that wasthe foundation for a healthy marriage is destroyed. Sadly, it takesyears of dedicated work to rebuild lost trust and security ripped awayby an affair. The reason is simple. After an ice storm, have you everattempted to walk down a frozen sidewalk? Although it's possible,there's always anxiety that a horrible fall might be right around thecorner. What many couples fail to realize is that an absence of trustand security in a marriage is like condemning a person to live on thatice-covered sidewalk. Your mate is never truly free to relax because heor she is continually fighting to keep his or her footing.

To protect our marriages, we need to make a dailydecision to have an affair-proof relationship. This protection buildstrust and security, which in turn, melts the ice. Security from maritalfidelity is built when we do four important things.

FOUR WAYS TO AFFAIR-PROOF YOUR MARRIAGE

1. Make a Commitment Towards Growth

First, it's extremely important to make a commitment tokeep growing in your relationship with your mate. According to mymentor, Dr. Gary Oliver, sexual temptation increases as thesatisfaction in the relationship decreases. In other words, the lowerthe relational happiness, the greater the temptation to medicatethrough some kind of addictive behavior (e.g., sex, alcohol, work,etc.). In order to find out what your relationship needs, ask your mate"What is something that I could do that would cause our relationship togrow?" I encourage you to begin making a list of the specific thingsand pick one of them to do on a weekly basis.

2. Becoming Aware of Your Choices

A damaging force working against marital fidelity isrationalization. Today's test for honesty seems to be, "It's okay aslong as you don't get caught," or "It's not that bad, everyone's doingit." A major battle is won when we stop asking what's wrong withcertain choices, and instead, ask what's right with them.

Every day I read a small poem above my computer. This poem has become the key for affair-proofing my own marriage.

The choices we make every day,

dictate the life we lead.

To thine own self be true!

In other words, how we handle the small things dictateshow we react to the bigger ones. I now start each day out by thinkingabout the choices I'll make and how they can dictate my life. Forexample, if I spend too much time talking to a female co-worker, I needto be aware of how this can weaken my defenses or make me susceptiblefor an affair (emotional as well as physical).

The last part, "to thine own self be true," simplymeans, we must learn what God desires for our lives and remain true toHis wishes. Becoming aware of our choices leads us right into the thirdway to affair-proof our marriages.

3. Draw a Line and Then Stay a Safe Distance Behind It!

While doing a seminar in Hawaii, my family and I werecaught in a major storm. At one point, thirty foot waves were crashingagainst the hotel. It felt like we were being shelled by artillery.Wanting to get close to the monstrous waves, my father and I snuck pasta sign that read: Dangerous Beyond This Point! Standing near thewater's edge, a gigantic wave suddenly broke and knocked us down. As welaughed and "high-fived" each other, we were confronted by hotelsecurity. They quickly explained that it wasn't the waves that were theonly danger. Instead, the real problem were the rocks that were jarredloose each time the waves struck the shoreline. We had difficultybelieving this until we saw some of the "pebbles" that were imbeddedinto the side of the hotel.

The reason that the hotel placed the danger signs awayfrom the water's edge was to create a buffer zone. In other words, theywanted to leave room for error. This way if someone made a mistake andcrossed the line, hopefully they wouldn't be killed.

If you want to affair-proof your marriage, it'simportant to draw a line and then stay a safe distance behind it. Foreach person, the safety line will be different. Some people will not beable to take business trips or work late with a co-worker of theopposite sex. Others may not be able to meet a certain person for lunchor to work out at the gym. Whatever the situation, determine where youneed to draw the line. Since everyone makes mistakes, having roombefore you fall over the edge can be the difference between acompromising situation and losing your marriage.

4. Become Accountable to Someone

The final piece for maintaining marital fidelity isthrough accountability. Accountability is simply being responsible toanother person or persons for the commitments you've made. If youdesire to affair-proof your marriage, I encourage you to ask a goodfriend, pastor, bible study group, or co-worker for accountability. Theimportant ingredient is having someone to ask the difficult questions.For example, "Did you compromise your standards last week?" or "Haveyou been getting your emotional needs met from someone other than yourmate?" Ideally, these questions force us to carefully and prayerfullyconsider our choices because we know that someone will be checking.

If your desire is to build a protective hedge aroundyour marriage, or if you and your mate are recovering from the damagingeffects of an affair, by making the above four things a part of yourlife, you can melt the ice-covered sidewalks of your relationship,where trust and security are sure to follow.