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Four Key Patterns that Destroy Oneness in Marriage

As the authors of the book, Fighting for Your Marriage, put it, "'Why focus on the negative? Why not just build up the good things in our relationship?' Good question," they say. Well, research shows that "it's the presence of certain negative patterns that can destroy a relationship." In other words, just a few negatives in marriage can wear away dozens of positives.

So, what are the patterns that can destroy your marriage?

Escalation: What Goes Around Comes Around

"Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually upping the ante so the conversation gets more and more hostile. In escalation, negative comments spiral into increasing anger and frustration."

Look at an example from,Fighting for Your Marriage:

Ted: (sarcastically) You'd think you could put the cap back on the toothpaste.

Wendy: (also sarcastic) Oh, and you never forget to put it back?

Ted: As a matter of fact, I always put it back.

Wendy: Oh, I forgot just how compulsive you are. You are right, of course!

Ted: I don't even know why I stay with you. You are so negative.

Wendy: Maybe you shouldn't stay. No one is barring the door.

Ted: I'm not really sure why I do stay anymore.

See how quickly a little disagreement about toothpaste turned very serious? The way to avoid scenes like this is to have the awareness to short-circuit escalation.

Look at this example:

Maria: (annoyed) You left the butter out again.

Hector: (irritated) Why are little things so important to you? Just put it back.

Maria: (softening her tone) Things like that are important to me. Is that so bad?

Hector: (calmer) I guess not. Sorry I was such a pain.

See how softening your tone can steer you out of the escalation pattern? This takes practice – and humility. Because even if the other person is wrong or is being mean-spirited, you can still be the one to turn the tide of the conversation.

Invalidation: Painful Put-downs

"Invalidation is a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other."

Consider these examples:

Wendy: (very angry) You missed your doctor's appointment again! You are so irresponsible. I could see you dying and leaving me, just like your father.

Ted: (bruised): Thanks a lot. You know I am nothing like my father.

Wendy: He was a creep and so are you.

Ted: (dripping with sarcasm): I'm sorry. I forgot my good fortune to be married to such a paragon of responsibility. You can't even keep your purse organized.

Wendy: At least I am not so obsessive about stupid things.

Ted: You are so arrogant.

Maria: (with a tear) You know, I am really frustrated by the hatchet job Bob did on my evaluation at work.

Hector: I don't think he was all that critical. I would be happy to have an evaluation as positive.

Maria: (with a sigh and turning away) You don't get it. It upset me.

Hector: Yeah, I see that, but I still think you are overreacting.

As the book says, "These examples are as different as night and day. Both show invalidation, but the first is more caustic and damaging." Still, both have the same effect of invalidating.

To prevent invalidation, you don't have to agree with what your partner says or believes. All you have to do is let the other person know you respect them – by using kind words and a kind tone. Just let them know you hear their concerns, and don't try to offer a solution – unless they ask.

Negative interpretations: When Perception is Worse than Reality

"Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. For example, you ask your husband when he is going to cut the grass. He gets upset because he thinks what you're really saying is, "You never do anything around here. Are you ever going to cut the grass?"

Negative interpretation is a form of attempted mind reading. You think you know what your partner is thinking. Also, if you're in the habit of looking at everything your partner says and does in a negative way, try to counter that by looking for "evidence to the contrary."

Withdrawal and Avoidance: Hide and Seek

"Withdrawal and avoidance are different manifestations of a pattern in which one partner shows an unwillingness to get into or stay with important discussions. Withdrawal can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as tuning out during an argument."

There is usually a pattern to this dynamic. One person is the pursuer, "Let's talk about this now!" And the other is the withdrawer, "Stop talking to me." Try to break this pattern. If the withdrawer makes his move to leave, calmly release them. Then, when things have quieted down, ask when you can set aside a time to discuss the matter. This takes the immediate pressure off the withdrawer and gives them time to gather their thoughts.

On the flip side, the withdrawer should tell the pursuer they need some time alone, but set a time to talk later before they excuse themselves.

Conclusion

"If you want to keep your relationship strong or renew one that is lagging, you must learn to counteract destructive patterns such as those we have described. Fortunately, this can be done. You can prevent erosion of happiness in your relationship for the years to come."