Let's Start Communicating!
Remember the days when you first met and fell in love? There was never enough time in a day to be together. You talked to each other all the time and never ran out of things to say and even when there was silence, you were communicating. Marriage is not based on sharing the same tastes or opinions or activities — marriage is based on the communion of personal love that exists between a husband and a wife. But I bet you thought in those courting days — "This is the person who truly understands me."
And then you got married and a few years down the road, you begin to think — "This does not seem like the same person that I married. What happened? Why can't we communicate?" There are some rare couples that keep their communication on a high level of understanding, but most of us fall into some deadly traps in communicating with each other. A priest friend of ours used to tell us that a married couple's life is like railroad tracks — after you've been married for a few years, you look down those tracks and way down there in the distance it looks like you'll come together. But when you get down there — lo and behold — you're still apart. So, how can we become better communicators?
A Few Tips
Let's talk about US!!!! — You know what happens — we're talking about the kids, jobs, and the house you want to buy - can we afford it? Let's plan our vacation. Most of our days are filled with talking about other things and other people, but very little about US. Even when we're talking about US, it's usually where we are going and what we are doing.
Solution: Set aside ten minutes of your precious time — each and every day. TV off, quiet setting, kids in bed. Just the two of you. NOW, the only way to cut through all of the cares of the day is to concentrate on revealing myself to you and your revealing yourself to me. We must have real, personal communication between husband and wife!
Communication Calls for Preparation — How about the wife saying to her husband, "Let's talk," and the husband says, "About what?" The wife has been thinking about a problem all day (and now maybe she's even mad) and the other half gets the brunt of the conversation as she spew things out.
Solution: The key is this; "Honey this situation with your parents has been bothering me for days. How about if we sit down and talk about it after the kids go to bed tonight?" This way, BOTH of you are ready for this conversation. Yes, you might come on strong (and your spouse is no where near your intense emotions), but now the emotions are not directed to that spouse. Planning to sit and talk works great!
Now Try To Get Behind the Words — When issues like this arise, the goal is to get behind those words. "Okay, what's really going on inside of you? Why are you so upset? How are you feeling?" This type of communication takes time and practice. You want to be organized in your thoughts and know how you are feeling — put a word to it.
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